Meet me, win me, love me
- I can't hear you.
Welcome to the city of wonder! My story? My story is so vague, because fine(or cheaper) alcohol Is running through my veins in every line I write, I am satisfied by anything, wine, champagne, or even the lower standards beer. I can be the rich "not a girl, not yet a woman", quoting our terribly outrageous mentor Britney Spears, which, as low as she is, climbed a pedestal so high, that impossibility of unlikeness is so bloody rare in her: we have idiots who drool on her, and wannabes who dress like her, walk like her, even shave like her(honestly, I've lost fake friends thanks to her, thank you Brit, I actually hate fake politeness) so why shouldn't we agree with her motto? After all, deep inside of us, we are all Britney Spears. Anyway, going back to my life, which makes turns around the corner, always surprising me, so I am always deadly sad, or filled with that awkward happiness, when you want to jump around, but no one understands you, and you dream of kissing the first stranger you see on the street. But in my world, everything is a fucking rule. I can't even say fuck, fuck it. Because, I am that rich Upper East Side girl, which fantasises to go at a Rolling Stone concert without being in the vip lodge. Something about me, I always dramatise, my life isn't that bad. It is actually fantastic, in a sweet, tender and cheesy way. I like my commonly originality, do you know what I mean? I love being addicted to the word "fuck" and in the same time to Shakespeare, and its circulars, dazzling ways of showing the truth. Best love story in the world? Romeo and Juliet, of course. I am a hopeless romantic, and I love it when I realize that I speak in clichés.
15th June, 2008, Friday
Summer, the best season of it all. The most unleashed parties travel around New York in the manner of seeking new entertainers, and the are infinite types of them. When you are from Bronx, the striper job Landon Fox offers you, is truly paradise, and girls(even boys) dream of ending up sleeping with him. There are two types of partiers: the ones who enjoy it, and the ones who are enjoyed by it.
"This city is getting me mad, and I want I want I want everything! This city is getting me mad, in the heat of Los Angeles, yeahhhh!"
- So who is that lunatic on the stage after all? Sexy Stripper asks.
- Oh, it is the host. Samantha bitch answers.
- Did she, did she hire us?
- Isn't this a bachelorette party? Is she at least going to pay us?
- I'm sure she will.
And Samantha bitch eats the olive in her martini, while the strippers lift her up; she is satisfied, the strippers aren't here for nothing are they?
- Oh my god, she is totally embarrassing herself! As always! Rhonda implant screams.
- Telling me? Such wasted potential. Vicky "the food-critic" screams back.
- She is not even that beautiful. What did he see at her after all?
- I don't know, what did she see at him?
- I have a theory. She saw penis, he saw breasts.
- Oh, Rhonda, you are such a philosopher.
And Vicky food critic smiles ironically, leaving black, a little slower processing Rhonda (I am not racist) to digest.
- I totally adore her, Christina lesbian giggles.
- Yea, like you want to sleep with her, Carmine gay moans.
- That's not true, Christina giggles offended.
My image about this party.every one is drinking! So, when you think about these guys, think at their slim shiny dresses, and the typical Martini in the hand, it makes everything more dramatic.
- Landon and Rose, Rose and Landon. nerdy Jenny wonders.
- Nerdy Jenny, you've said that all dd-aay long, babbly Francesca replies.
- Rose and Landon sounds much better.But Landon and Rose.has a fine touch.
- How months do you give them? Evil twin sister 1 aka Anna asks.
- Less than a day, evil twin sister 2 aka Danna replies.
They start laughing just like typical evil twin sisters.
- I don't like her hair, Stripper 2 says.
- I don't like her legs, stripper 3 says.
- I don't like her breasts, stripper 4 says.
- Oh, shut the fuck up, neither of you has any of it, stripper 5 says.
Ok, what is this all about? My name is Rose, and I "try seventeen", and I also "crash weddings", MY wedding. I want to live my life at the highest standards, I want one day to lose control, another day to lose myself, the third day to forget who I am, so the fourth day I become artificial perfection. I want to get married and divorced, I don't want Landon to be my future, I want just a summer romance, which ends with a lot of lawyers, and unneeded control. I love Landon? I hated Landon, Landon hated me. It just started when we were both broken-up, both sad and so EMOtional, that a secret affair would have been our best escape from everyday. And when we were both ended, and took our "popular" jobs back, we smiled and bowed at each other like everyday, where we have returned, pictures of us kissing, and doing.other stuff.Oh, fuck it, the idiots filmed us. And as I said, low quality pictures were stuck on every free space in this high-school, next to pictures of other students, doing the same thing. But me and Landon? We are the "it", I would actually end up more hated than I realise I am now, I actually did. I am the "good girl gone bad", literally. I was never a bad girl, never an ass-kisser, always happy with my social stand. But Landon brings the worst out of me, and apparently I bring the best out of him. And, as mean and untouched I seem, I am the most sensitive girl you'll ever meet. I cry at American Pie, and can't watch a horror movie by myself. I fall in love with the guy that carries my books on the hallway, and I am always prudent. Not about Landon, I know I'm doing the wrong thing, because everything I do is wrong. Landon is breaking my heart, as I should say, in several times, when he doesn't call, when he cheats on me(this happened in one year, two times; it is his last chance, I suppose; I shouldn't keep forgiving him, but I had one affair myself, and we are almost even), when he doesn't come to school for weeks and doesn't even say anything.but fixes it up with a single, tender kiss, with his soft, plumpy, fucking perfect lips.Oh my god, he is actually hotter than Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic, and I am pathetic! So, when Landon proposed to marry me, two month ago, after he slept with an unknown (he says) I said yes. And we will definitely have a prenuptial. God, I describe him so.fuck it, this is how he is. So imperfect, so seductive, so hot. Our wedding is programmed next Wednesday (just after school to make impression and brag), and my lovely "best-friends" Vicky and Samantha, are obviously, bridesmaids. My mother agreed to the marriage (Landon is presented as a "prince" with a biiig fortune), and forced my father into it(my parents are divorced). So, everybody is happy.
Samantha- Samantha Ronson is a tall, 178 cm fake-blonde, with a hair as straight that she looks like she didn't wash in years. She tried to talk me into being a fake-blonde, but I prefer my reddish-brown, curly and loose. Samantha is a bitch! We used to be very good friends in primary school, but then, when her first serious boyfriend (which she still dates, and he cheats on her, and she doesn't know) Andrew, the sexiest British guy you'll ever see (not sexier than Landon!) started telling her like in moon and in stars, like dear Romeo sang to his lovely Juliet. I lost my friend then, and kept her, by destroying my life. She hates me, I hate her, we "love each other". There isn't actually anything to hate at her, except her.total difference of character, that I cannot stand, and her bossy way of acting around, and her impression of being "the most beautiful in the world" and blah blah blah.
Victoria- A tiny 1.55 natural blonde, with a hair as curly as you can't stick your hand into it(total opposite of Samantha), called the "food-critic", because of her way of "tasting" people before judging them. I hate her!! I always had, I liked her only in my first month of high school, when she brought me a Chanel-purse and we became best friends. I then realised it was a fake, Victoria Jackson is not a rich person.
Clarisse- My sister and best friend, the one I can always rely on. We are currently in a fight, she doesn't agree (obviously) with my "absurdly early" wedding, and she won't even come at it! She is 27, married with two four year old (exasperating) sons, living in sunny beach Miami, working as a Pr. This sounds like a job interview. Her husband is an amazing guy, 38 (we always said he was too old for her, but she had a fantasy with him; she thinks he looks like younger Brad Pitt, she is wrong), having a terribly boring job at Microsoft. My parents are old school, they want us to marry someone as wealthy as us, Martin is not, so there was a big family fight around, but everything settled in time, the atmosphere is still tensioned. Last thanksgiving Geraldine(my mom) dropped the turkey because Martin said something about having more children. I love Clarisse, oh Clarisse, please come to the wedding, I need you!
Anyway, the dialogs upper, were "caught in the air" by my beloved Samantha(except the one with the stripper, which I know from Vicky) and she is so dear that she let me know how people show their jealousy, that I, obviously expected.
What, tell me what dark fate is around me, and what curse I should end, just to find the heaven everyone is looking for, true, unconditioned love?
2. Last days of virtue
I don't consider anything a failure, and if failure seeks me, I hide from it. I'm never done, I'm never conquered, I'm never overwhelmed.
So, my bachelorette party was NOT a failure, because I enjoyed it, and if I enjoy it, who cares about anyone else?
Saturday, 16th June 2008
Landon was so quick with the wedding that I didn't have time for anything, including the buying of my bridal dress, and this is exhausting. Without Clarisse to help me out, with two bit full friends, and an outrageous mother, the only one left to help is no one else than. my future husband. Husband, husband, isn't this a sacred and mystic word?
- Why don't you just order it?
- Because you rushed so badly that I do not have the time to.they don't have the time to make it, on time.
- Of course, you don't care, you can take just a.the first tuxedo you get in hand from your huge wardrobe, and you're done. You don't know what I am going through.
- Rose, you're freaking me out. How about this one?
- Landon, I don't think I can find a bridal dress at Prada!
- Come on, then let's go to the thrift store. Listen, tonight it's my bachelor party, I have to hire some strippers, do you think you can, uhm, figure this out by yourself?
He opened his phone and started texting, and texting, and texting. Jesus Landon, my powers of perception are incredible. You are cheating on me!!! Again! Now how should I say it? Why the fuck I am marrying you? I am DOOMED.
- It is our wedding. Do you.are you. Do you love me?
- I don't think that the middle of 5th avenue is the place for being sentimental. Hold on, I've got to take that: yeaa. Dude?! No, I'm out. Where? Oh, I'm just having a coffee. With Rose. Yea dude I know I'll spend the rest of my life with her, what? Who says that? I don't know dude.Yea strippers, a lot of them, make them blonde, I'm sick of brunettes. Where's Rose? Who called her? Samantha?
- Are you cheating on me?
- Baby, just a second, I'm on the phone. By the way, Andrew says that Victoria said that Samantha called you. Dude, listen, I'll call you back. See ya tonight, and remember, what happens at Victor stays at Victoria! We wouldn't want our "beloved ones" to pop up.
- Are you cheating on me?
- I am marrying you. It is kind of the same thing. Are you going to be like this our entire marriage?
- Like this how?
- Why strippers?
- That's it, I think I've said this 10 times this week, we're breaking up.
- You are breaking up with me in the middle of 5th avenue? Come on, it's green. Have you seen a red light to take so long?
- 5th avenue doesn't even have middle! It's an avenue, fuck it.
- Honey, hurry up, green light isn't forever. Fuck it, it is red!
Fuck it, it is red! Don't guys have better ways to say "I'm sorry baby, I am an idiot"? Well, maybe he was right, I almost died that day.
- What are you doing? You almost died back there! (Oh, what a great spirit of observation you've got)
- Like you'd care.
- Baby, baby, how can you say something like that?
And he did that move, damn it, I hate that move, it makes me melt. He just has this unique way of hugging me, without actually touching me, and he looks right into my eyes, he makes me want more, he makes me want to keep him close, he makes me want to simply kiss him.
- Because.because you don't care. you cheat on me, and those things you've said to that "dude" on the phone.who are you? Why am I marrying you?
- Baby, you are marrying me because you love me, keep saying that to yourself. Now, let's buy that dress.
I know what you think, that Landon is a total ass.
Sunday, 17th June 2008
How was my day? My mother asks, when she comes home from an exclusivist fashion show at the met (since when is a runway at the met? Next time what, Guggenheim?) at about 6 pm, and I am sleeping. I am still sleeping. My day? I've bought a wedding dress, it's long and preppy, shiny and with lots of buttons on it. It is so crowded and biig that I don't think that anyone would notice if I wore a paper bag on my head. Landon picked it, I resented. Then I went, by myself, to deal with the florist, and today I was supposed to talk to the caterer and the coffetier, when I remembered something, slightly important.
- Don't say fuck, say "damn it".
- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Just because your boyfriend is British it doesn't mean I have to be civilised. Fuck!
- What is wrong Rose? Stop fucking around.
My mother is never hilarious when she wants to, she's making a joke and everybody who hears it, stays mute. She is trying to be serious and everyone laughs at her. Stop fucking around? I started laughing hysterically; I think I never laughed like that before. A crazy, helpless laugh, scared one, and shocked one.
- What? Why are you laughing?
- Stop fucking around??! Is this the classiest you could find?
- Oh come on stop making fun of me, you are always critiquing me, do I do anything wrong?
- I forgot to rent a space for the party.
- What party?
- The wedding party! Do you think I need a church? I am not sure that I believe in god, after all.
- Do it home.
- Why is everyone so relaxed? Why? You, Landon, everyone. Clarisse isn't even coming!
- Your sister is a person.
- No, no, you know what, forget I even said her name!
Monday, 18th June 2008
Landon- never the less than the perfect villain.
I never said anything about my state, about my current.you know, about my virginity. I am not a shy person, when it comes to these things. I am actually not a shy person mainly, I was, but I'm not anymore, blah blah. I once had an oracle and there was a question: "How was your first time?" and everyone answered something around: nice, sweet, cute. How can sex be cute? I was lost for a second when I read, and then I bit my lip not to say the best ironies I could find in 10 seconds, which would probably be dreadful. But nice? Sweet? Cute? My first time SUCKED. Do you want it with details?
It was with Landon, it was actually that one night stand. I might be predictable, but I am honest. I didn't know what's love until I met him(I found out what's hate when I met him), and I am not sure that I know right know. Butterflies? Weird things fluttering around my stomach, not hungry? That was not my case, when I started "dating" Landon we both ate a Big Mac every time we saw each other. At first, we were actually trying to stay together. No, you don't think like me, we didn't have a platonic relationship.
- So. do you really want to go to that party?
- Yes, why not?
- I don't know, didn't you have a fight with Samantha?
- That's exactly the point. Anyway, I am fighting with Samantha since we were in the fourth grade, there are rare the moments when we are not.actually fighting.
- Don't you think it's weird?
- What's weird?
- I'm not catching up.
- In a hotel room.
By the way, he was a virgin too. I figured it out. And the playboy becomes solo-boy.
- How should we do it?
- Are you sure about this?
- You can't tell me you are a virgin, Rose.
- Of course. Of course I'm not.
- Then, how should we do it?
- Why don't you say?
- Landon, I hate you. I am not doing this.
- Oh come on, it is just a one night stand. I promise I'll be an idiot as always tomorrow.
- That won't be hard.
Ok, maybe I wasn't an angel in this relationship either.
- Is it ok like this?
- I think I've made it. I hope it doesn't break.
- Don't worry, I am an ace.
- How come you don't know how to put your condom?
- I.I've never used this type before.
- Aren't they all the same?
Poor poor Landon and the philosophy of the condom.
- Is it ok like this?
- No, it's not, you're hurting me.
- No, I'm not! You don't know how it is.
- Of course I know how it is! You don't know how to do it!
- How about at least trying to enjoy it?
- Oh! That is my hair, you idiot.
It wasn't long until he figured out he was fucking the pillow, not me.
- Did you just slap me?
- Yes you did, you slapped me!
- So? It's hot!
- No it's not hot! You slapped me hard!
- I saw it in a movie.
I saw that movie too. "Along came Polly"- Jennifer Anniston, Ben Stiller. Polly didn't like it either.
- I'm done!
- What do you mean "you're done"? I didn't feel a thing.
- But.but how about the sounds?
- I was faking.
So, as I said, my first time was not "nice", "cute" or "sweet".
To do list:
Why do I have to go to school when in 2 days I am getting married? Teachers nowadays don't have any consideration. Don't believe me, I dramatise. I want to go and brag, of my one and only situation, because it is expected that on Wednesday Landon will make me the happiest woman in the world.
She's all that. And "she" is happiness. Why do we need to be happy? Happiness is a weird feeling, it is sketched like something common, something amazing, but it is so hard to reach, that you sometimes realize that "happy" doesn't exist.
- I called you ten times this weekend.
- Oh, I am sorry Samantha, but you know, I've got a wedding to plan.
- Fine. Then you should plan it by yourself. (Bitch; the lovely and kind Rose comes in action, if Clarisse isn't coming, I can't have only one bridesmaid that I hate, I desperately need two)
- I am sorry Sam darling; it is just that I am so busy.
- And Landon? Doesn't he help you?
- Of course he does, but he is terribly busy himself. We've both have duties.very well proportioned. (As if.)
- Oh, and how was the bachelor party?
- Where should I know from?
- Didn't Landon tell you?
- I actually didn't. (Oh my god, I didn't talk to Landon since Saturday, he probably hates me) ask him.
- Wait a minute, Vicky texted me. Oh, it seems her boyfriend went to the party.
- Wow, Vicky is really reading our minds. (Samantha bitch looks at me sarcastically) ok, what does it say? What boyfriend?
- I have no idea; I actually thought she is a lesbian.
- Oh, no one could outrun Christine.
- So pathetic, she says: I am sorry I am not at school, I am spending time with my new and lovely BOYFRIEND, he is the best BF in the whole world, I love my BF! My BF went to Landon's bachelor party, and he said it was not cool. My BF was bored, there were no strippers. So I made striptease for my BF. Cool, ha? Vicky xxxxx
- Oh my god, she said boyfriend 6 times.
- And my six times too.
- My boyfriend! Oh my god, I think she expects a prize.
- No strippers? I underestimated you; you are really keeping him under shoe. I have to run, I have.biology? Oh, I like the teacher. I mean I like Andrew, I mean bye!
Vicky and her BOYFRIEND. Vicky and her BOYFRIEND insure us that there were no strippers. I can't believe he missed his bachelor party for me! People can change.
Calling.Landon: Hey, I'm Landon, I don't hear the phone or I don't want to talk to you, leave a message, or better spare me. Beep: Hey, L., it's me, again.It's Rose, in case that you forgot my voice. Anyway, I'm sorry if you're mad that I didn't call, but I was very busy. Anyway, I think I said that in the first 11 messages, I love you, call me.
I am not an insistent person! I am not an insistent person! Don't judge me! He is my fiancé, where the fuck is he? Let's think positive, he is SLEEPING. Alone.
- Today, at oral examination, miss Rose Witt. About the Crusades.
- Miss Witt? Are you with us?
- Ha? I am so sorry.
- What were you doing?
- She was masturbating teacher! Ex-boyfriend-who-hates-me-soccer-player-idiot-no-name-needed says.
- I was texting Landon.
- Oh, your fiancé! That's so lovely, I'm sure he would love to hear about the Crusades. Why don't you call him and tell him a little story?
- No, listen, he doesn't answer my calls. I mean he does, but I forgot to ask him if he has already bought his tux, and I am very busy. Please?
- Give me your phone!
I have always hated this teacher. She wears red lipstick on her teeth, she is almost bald, she's got a huge nose, and she hates me, because I skip classes and because.guess what, I'm getting married. Her daughter had a crush on Landon, but she takes it too personally. Who didn't have a crush on Landon?
- So I can call him.
- You can't do that, it is my phone!
- An Iphone, I see.
- Oh, do you like it?
She looked at me with her big frog-face. Woman, didn't you hear of Botox?
- The first crusade.
- Hy Landon.Hm, the first Crusade took place in the 15.no 18.something, and it was started by this guy.called Lan.Lancelot the Christian.
- Landon? At last!
- What's wrong with you? You've been calling me all day, after you didn't call yesterday at all. I got it from the first message, you didn't have to leave me 18! You've blocked my message box, come on!
- I'm sorry, I just.I just missed you.
- I'm sorry, I am in class, and I am talking about the Crusades.
- What the hell is that? A Sex position?
- Landon! Anyway.Did you, buy the tux?
- I have 10 tuxes, I've already told you.
- Yes, yes. But where are you, at home as you said?
- I never said that. I'm in Amsterdam, Holland?
- Maybe he went to play some football, Rose. You obviously don't let him do anything, you dirty bitch. Do it to me Rose, yeah, like this. Ex-boyfriend-who-hates-me-soccer-player-idiot-no-name-needed says. Fuck him.
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's Ex-boyfriend-who-hates-me-soccer-player-idiot-no-name-needed, you know him, I'm in class and you're on speaker.
- Oh, fuck! What class?
- Oh hello Mrs. Crusade. Sorry for not coming this year to your class. Listen, I'm here to party.
- What? Didn't you have the bachelor party?
- Oh, that was just little fun for the guys, I wasn't even there. This place is the IT of Sex, strippers, whores, everything you need. I've got to go now, here it is morning so.I've got stuff to do. See you tomorrow.
Mrs. Decks (that's her real name) looked at me with a mean, satisfied, laugh. I wonder if this woman is Samantha's mother.
- It's ok, Rose, if he ever leaves you, I'm here for you, Christina lesbian giggles.
Embarrassment is worse than the lack of happiness, love and beauty. Embarrassment is the food of the critics.
Tuesday, 19th June 2008
Good morning sunshine! I've decided to leave the past behind and start living from today, and I am so happy because Landon called ten minutes ago, telling me that he'll soon come to my place, for our last day as simply lovers. He actually said our last day "without complications", but I'll leave that behind. I am sure that he shagged every whore in Amsterdam, so I went to a strip club last night and did it with the second guy, before Landon(the first guy was Andrew, but no one must know that!) I don't know his name, of course, and it lasted about ten minutes. I feel miserable. I feel ashamed of myself, and dirty inside me. What if he didn't shag anyone? It would anyway be even, he cheated on me twice (once with an unknown, and once with an older woman, he said she drugged him; I appreciate his honesty). Landon is not a bad guy! I know that this is the way I describe him, but I am not piece of heaven myself. He is simply not sticky like super glue, and he gives me independence (sometimes too much, but moving on), and his ignorance is attractive. Landon is HOT, I love him. Everything I do is about Landon.
- Hey, baby, ohh ohhh, what's wrong?
What's wrong? I literally jumped in his arms and started crying. He is a gentleman, he kissed me and we cuddled on the couch. I cried and cried, until he said:
- I know why you cry, but I didn't do anything. I was a jerk yesterday, I'm sorry. I wouldn't do that to you before the wedding, I love you.
You didn't cheat on me?! Fine, now I really feel like shit. You love me? I think this is the second time he says this (first time was during an orgasm). I cry louder.
- Calm down, baby.Calm down.
- I can't believe it! I can't believe it!
- It's ok.I'm not such a jerk.Now stop crying. How about a welcome back?
- Ohh, see that's the Landon I know. Never sentimental, always hot.
He took my Gap XXXXXL shirt of and started kissing me (we were in the living room; my living room is large and has a big terrace. I have a round sofa-bed in the middle of it, and it is exclusively at my use, but who cares who's coming?) all over and all over, and all over. I like being on top, so I always stay on top. Landon is such a puppy in bed, excluding our first time. Oh, but you don't want to hear this! I think true happiness is only in an orgasm (but last night I wasn't happy, I actually started crying, and the stripper freaked out a little), but we didn't get that far. I said I didn't care who entered the room, but the only person I care is Clarisse. Landon and she. they don't really get along this well, considering the fact that she refused to come to my wedding. She is not the forgiving type, and when a guy does her wrong, she moves on. I don't have that quality, and that's why she sometimes despises me. Landon saw her over my shoulder, while I was frenetically kissing him, and he tossed me away (literally; I've hurt my back). I was on the floor, and started swearing at him, when I saw Clarisse, looking at me with a knotted, amused or disappointed look?
Do you think I am addicted in Landon? Isn't this normal? Just before the wedding?
- Hello, Rosalind.Landon.
- You call me Rosalind only when you're mad.
- I'm not mad, but it's weird to see you.doing this. Way to go! Remember when you were 13 and I was teaching you how to masturbate?
Ok, this isn't totally true. Totally. Landon started laughing while he was putting his shirt on. It is not true!!
- Oh, Clarisse.
- So, how are you Landon?
- Fine, I guess. How are you?
- Here to stay. Just a few days, for the wedding. I couldn't bring the kids, and Martin is very busy at home. Do I bother you?
- Clarisse!! I can't believe you're here!! Thank god, you know I've prayed for this?
- This is fake enthusiasm, you never pray.
- I did this time!
I love my sister's smell. I always imagine her as a blonde, I don't know why. Her hair is a little darker than mine, but straight, I don't know how that happened. I sometimes wonder if we have the same father.
- I guess I'm going to leave you then.
- No! no!
- Honey, I'll se you later. Don't forget to pick up the flowers, I dealed with the invitations. Bye, bye Clarisse.
Peck. Why does he think that if my sister is here we can't madly make out? Why can't he eat me, bite me, taste me?
Babbling. He's not Vicky.
- Where's mom?
- Work, I think. I don't know.
- Since when does she work so late?
- Maybe she's with Rudolph.
- Who's Rudolph?
- Paul, her boyfriend.
- She's seeing two?
- No, I call Paul Rudolph because he's got a big and red nose.
- Still hates me?
- Perfect! Kitchen looks the same, she hates change, doesn't she?
- Will you move out with Landon?
- I'm not sure she's going to let me, since that escapade with you when I was 15 she doesn't trust me anymore.
- So you are going to have what, a separate relationship?
- Don't make me think about that! I've got enough on my head!
- I think you're weak. He's playing with you!
- He is not, Clarisse, can't you just deal with the fact that I am. Ok?
- Ok? Just ok?
- I'm never happy. How's Martin?
- Don't delay.
- How are Martin, Chris and Tommy?
- Just fine?
- How's your job?
- Couldn't you ask me something more.sister like?
- Well, last time we talked you called me a whore. I don't know what to ask you.
- And you deny that? Ask me about my sex life.
- Ok, how's your sex life?
- Not as good as yours.
- Hm, Clarisse, something's wrong. Why didn't Martin come?
- He's busy.
- He really is busy. And about the sex life, yes, we don't even have sex anymore! We didn't do it in.3 months? And you know me, I am an adventurer.
- Yes, unfortunately I do.
- So, do you think he's cheating on me?
- You're hot, smart, and he's Martin.
- He looks like Brad Pitt, anyone would want him. Have you listened to his pornographic voice? He turns me on even when he talks about graphics and numbers.
- He doesn't look like Brad Pitt, he looks like an accountant. He is not cheating on you.
- You are so naïve.
- You are too paranoiac.
- How are the kids?
- Great, I guess. I'm getting them ready for school.
- Have you seen Ben anymore?
- Ben? Mom's ex? Oh, god no. I am a faithful wife, it was just a date.
- Yes, of course.
- I had to try him, mom never fails in taste! He is. 28?
- She sure doesn't.
- But I felt terribly guilty, for that one coke he bought me.
- This is not my Clarisse.
- Yes, yes, I am overwhelmed.
- A woman is never overwhelmed.
- Maybe I am a man!
- Hm, that's right, no one masturbates like you.
Follow me until I love you. This is what my first boyfriend said to me, in the seventh grade.
I said, I would never love you, you're so vain.
You are the love "must have",
And any girl probably went through your bed.
You're so vain,
You spend more hours on making up than kissing,
You spend more time on dressing up than loving,
But you and me are the same,
You'll follow me until I love you, and you'll follow me until you'll die.
You are still following me, oh you cruel, dear fate.
3. Wedding poison
New-Yorkers say that there are moments in life when you feel good about yourself, excluding any of your defects. It is supposed that one of these moments is the moment before the wedding. I think, this is an aberration, because you live before the wedding your entire life, and you never forget about your defects. And this day makes no exception.
I feel lost, I feel like I am tripping. I don't only feel that, i really am. I'm falling into a place without my attitude, my dignity or my feelings.
- You look wonderful.
- I do
- Modest, as always. You remember my wedding.
- I was 12, but yes, i remember.
- You were 12, so what? You were thinking about losing your virginity at 12.
- That's a fact.
- Yes, your wedding sucked.
- Always you, never try to spare me.
- And you had such a beautiful cake.
- Oh, it looked better all over me.
- Does Martin still keep that picture with you caked-up above the chimney?
Clarisse looked at me disappointed. I know that look. My mean, adventurous sister is becoming a stepford wife.
- He is not?
- No, he is not. He said that the kids are old enough now to figure out some things.
- What things, that their mother fell into her wedding cake?
- Hm, is that a pervert thing to do?
- What is wrong with you?
- Is it always something wrong with me?
- You used to fuck every man you found, and then they would sit next to the phone waiting for you to call. You were the Samantha of our era, only younger. Where are you?
- Well, not everyone has time to lose on sex, money to lose on clothes and jewellery like you have. Some of us work.
My sister is not a stepford wife; she is turning into a desperate housewife. I hate people for blaming me, for Landon. No one appreciates me as i am, they all judge my marriage. Hello, deep inside here is a tortured soul! Where is human pity nowadays? What am i saying, i hate pity.
I have always feared one single thing: my life after. Will it be Landon forever, or will it be just a summer romance as i hoped? I honestly love Landon, oh, damn me and everyone, love is overrated. Aren't single women happier with their affairs than me, that i start, on my on risk, living an insure life? Oh, fuck happiness. I hate it. I am a woman, i am a woman, i am a woman
It's easier to be a man. Landon proved me that.
- Where is him?
- I am ready, do you like how i look?
- Have you seen Landon?
- I'm sorry for screaming at you earlier.
- Darling! I love your dress.
- Where is the groom?
- Miss, shall we wait for him much longer?
- He will come.
I said with the last words left in my mouth. I added: i am not ready anyway. Voices are flying around me, like small butterflies with broken wings. Why is everyone trying to demoralise me, when they know he will come? He will come! He is just late, it is fashionable to be late in this city.
- Dear, where is Landon?
- I don't know Samantha, i don't know.
- Oh, i thought you know everything about each other, i guess you forgot to tell him the arrival hour. Don't worry, i am sure the priest has nothing better to do today!
- Oh, isn't it the bride. Shouldn't you make a spectacular entrance?
- Everyone can see you, yet nobody is staring at you.
- I know you're mad that you aren't the bridesmaid anymore, but
- Oh, i don't even care, if Landon is late a little longer, there will be no wedding at all! And i cancelled a date with my boyfriend for this.
It seems the poison they kept in themselves for so much time, went all out at my wedding. Wedding poison. If Landon doesn't come, my whole life is destroyed. I am so selfish.
- Why are you crying?
- He's not coming! He is not coming! I am an idiot! He was one hour late, the guests are anxious!
- What do you mean, he is here.
Why did i ever doubt you?
"Dear beloved, we have gathered here, to unite this.
- Why were you late?
- I have to talk to you.
- Never mind, you'll tell me after the wedding.
- But, i
Rosalind Amanda Witt, do you take this man, to be your beloved husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until the death will break you apart?
- I do.
Landon Fox, do you take this woman, to be your beloved wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until the death will break you apart?
This is the moment i've been waiting my entire life, when i was a little girl i was hoping for a wedding like in fairy tales. Those words, coming out from his mouth, would be the sweetest delight on earth, and i would maybe find out what is happiness after all. He could scream it, whisper it, even write it, and i would swear to be loyal to him my entire life. But today the woman is deceived.
- II can't.
There were different reactions in the garden, all where: what, ooo! But every reaction was with a different figure. Samantha and Vicky were thrilled, my mother was relieved, my sister had a face that was suggesting: I told you so. Yet nobody showed compassion. I wonder how i looked, i felt imperceptible.
- I don't love you.
Is a human being capable of saying something colder, and crueller than this? I believe not, and if i will ever change, i will remember of this day. The teenage dream is broken.
And what happens next, i wonder? In those seconds while i am staying in front of him, and next to the priest, with 200 people staring at me, i can only think about the past, realising that there is no future: i miss the days when we were stabbing each other in the back, i miss the day when he forgot about my birthday, i miss his total clumsiness with the condom, i miss the days when he was a total liar, telling me sweet words everyday, i miss his cheesy compliments, that made me forgive his every mistake, and that i realise that even those were fake.
- You're a fake, i said.
- I don't think that this is going to make you feel better.
- Are you hurting me on purpose?
- Was i ever a careful guy?
No, you weren't. He considers me an idiot for being with him, and i have to confess i am.
- Why aren't you crying?
- You are leaving me down the isle, just leave me now.
- No! I want you to cry!
- You want me to cry? Fine, i cry! That's what you want? Are you happy now?
The scene i made was a typical, that i tried to avoid, but i think this is an impossibility bigger than my small amount of happiness.
- And every one is staring at me, bravo! Stare at him! I know, you're all going to say, good for him, he left her, smart guy! You know what, i can move on, without you, i don't need you! Guess what, he doesn't know how to put his condom! He fucks me without a condom! Fuck you. I hope you'll die happy. Now leave, stop me from making this scene last longer.
I am ashamed of the words i said that day, and from the terrible bitch everyone thought i was, i became the terrible bitch that everyone had an atu against.
I went inside the house, and closed the door. I heard a loud noise, but my crying was louder than it. And i cried and i cried, and i didn't let anyone in for a long timeI don't know for how long. You realise how much you care for someone, until you miss him. I know he wasn't the one for me, and all of this is my fault. The only thing i wonder isfor whom did he leave me?
- Open the darn door.
- What? What do you want?
- Didn't you hear the gunshot?
- What gunshot?
- Landon shot Christina.
- Lesbian Christina?
- Yes, her.
- Couldn't you spare me from this useless information?
- No, i think i couldn't. Your lover is ai can't find a word for him.
- Really? But what about your fucking husband that looks like "Brad Pitt", and is making sex at the phone every night with our mother?! Our mother!! Let this be my special day, not fucking Christine's. i don't care about anyone else than myself, deal with it.
- Fuck you. Get a life.
He ripped a faded, once red Rose from his garden, and put it in her hair. That Rose was me.
4. Erotic, exotic.
I've been in my wedding dress for five days, I've counted seconds on my fingers, and when i ran out of fingers, i started counting my hair. I've counted five days, three hours, 12 minutes and 55 seconds. Then it is Monday, 9 pm. My cell phone has been ringing constantly, and i've seen on the display certain names: Samantha, Mom, Vicky and Landon. The killer is calling me? Why? To pay him out of jail? I wish he putrefies there. I like clichés! What is better when you are half-mad, half-depressed? No calls from Clarisse, so when i saw blinking on the display her name, with Augustana's Boston on background, i picked up.
- You sound like a woman who's still in her bridal dress, 15 pounds thinner, locked in the house where it stinks like spilled champagne.
- And you sound like an optimistic woman that just left her disgusting husband.
- Meet me tomorrow at 9 am on JFK. Destination Acapulco.
I don't want to go. I am thinking to become a feminist, why do we need men after all? I am only seventeen, and i realised it too late. I am too young to afford to be in love, i am too young for sex, i am too young for marriage. I am sure i am not the only one with these problems, i am sure that i am not the only one that found out that her lover is a killer, in her wedding day.
I have thought about Christina's death, and i realised i don't care yet.
Nowadays, it is so complicated to be a woman. We have to be good mothers, have amazing careers, and after all of this, be ourselves. It is so hard for a woman to be herself! Men never change, one bad guy stays a bad guy, and even if a good guy turns into a bad guy, he still thinks like a good guy, but doesn't act like one. Our personalities are changed counting on every small, little detail. We change because people ask us to, we change by copying others, we force ourselves to be the same, everyday. We even change when we have our period, but that's only temporary.
So, now i think i've changed. I want to be a bad girl, not only appear like one.
Thursday, 24th June 2008
Good morning, city of wonders. New York, New York, i am planning on deceiving you, and i am leaving to more sunny and exotic Acapulco. New York, city of disaster, i plan to leave you behind, and everything that happened in you. Memories, will fade away, but Wednesday will always be "the day i got left down the isle" not "the day Christine died". Life is irrelevant.
I could hardly get a ride to JFK, it's a work day, every body is running around, taxis are taken, subways are full, it is to far to walk. So, after i packed my bathing suite and a formal dress (i plan on shopping there, it kills the nerves) i called Annie, a sophomore to pick me up. She wasn't at the wedding, or at any party i've thrown, because her parents didn't allow her. But she would do anything for me, including sneaking out in her dad's car. I write and think, but i still can't talk.
- So, do you feel better?
I am not planning on answering her.
- You know, i could get killed for this. I am only 15!
And she kept on talking and talking, all over and over again. When we reached the airport, i saw my sister heading to me, so i rushed to take my luggage, but she held my hand and tried to be "not to serious, not to amused"
- Landon is going to be murdered.
- The sentence to death is not allowed in this country.
- Landon is a mass killer.
- Yes, of souls, not bodies.
- His father is in the mafia, please listen to me. He was with you just for the money you could have given him, and the day before the wedding he found out he didn't need them anymore. Landon and his older brother are famous, now that Landon is caught, he threatens their security. They will kill him, please don't go.
- Howyou are lying.
- People talk, Rose.
- Thank for the ride, but i didn't need to know. These are my days, my heart is broken, Landon doesn't even have a heart!
- Hey, i'm Clarisse. I can't believe she came! Hm, would you please leave us now?
But when Clarisse turned around to find me, i wasn't there anymore. I ran as fast as i could, covered myself so nobody would recognise me, and i bought a ticked for a flight to Tokyo. I first went to the bathroom, and two women were talking enthusiastically near me:
- I can't believe you're getting married, so young! I am still not married, our mother is going to kill us.
- You can't say still, you should say again.
- Forget about Trey
- Sweetie, i'll always be here for you! You forget, i forget.
- Ok ok, now let's get you married.
I've watched the whole ceremony. The girl was Indian and the man was probably an American. They married in the middle of the terminal. And i forgot about time, and people. So i sat and waited, for a sign. That sign, was my sister. I tried to run, escape, but she said the best escape for two incomplete girls, is to complete themselves with alcohol and fun. How can you have fun when you are so detached as i am? Let's go and have fun, then.
My sister is nervous, she is running through the airport to catch that plane, i wouldn't mind to wait for the next flight that comes in 12 hours. More to think, more miserable i feel. I wish i would like converse. Clarisse is so comfortable in converseI don't wear them since i was a freshman, and all the older ones made fun of me for not wearing heels. The woman and the heelsIt just feels lovely to look around you at 1.73 instead of your modest 1.65. everybody looks up to you, you look thinner, stronger(if you know how to wear them). There is a different view of the world from high above, you feel like a complete different person. Too bad man can't wear heels, it would help them with their attitude.